EMO MLASC

He isn’t really gone as long as we remember him.

Sun, 06 May 2012 22:55:52 -0700

He isn’t really gone as long as we remember him.

Dan Gilbert: Mao, Mao, Mao, How Do You Like Me?

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:08:00 -0800

This is the exact number of fucks I give about the Hornets.

How can this guy manage a check book, let alone an NBA team? Does he ask his accountant to dip into other clients’ funds for his benefit?

Dan Gilbert, King of Comic Sans, is really making a push to top David Kahn for the “Biggest Joke in the NBA” award. He whines and complains about LeBron James leaving Cleveland (Take a look at the Cardinals to understand how a team should react when their biggest name leaves, idjit). Now he runs to Daddy Warbucks when the Lakers get a great player while giving up their entire front court in the process. He even bitches to Stern in an e-mail about how this deal hurts the Cavs in terms of revenue sharing. He doesn’t even mention if the deal is bad for the Hornets, the team he supposedly owns 1/29th of. Guess what, asshat. The Lakers and Rockets own 2/29ths combined. That trumps you.

You’d think this clown knew something about decisions.

Could Colts Get Lucky in Draft?

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 23:21:54 -0700

They’re painfully pun-licious!

If you don’t like puns, don’t be a sports fan. Headline makers are going to rip him apart.

Anyways, Andrew Luck is in the news. Next week, he plays my USC Trojans in Los Angeles.

But this week, he becomes the subject of much draft talk. The highly touted prospect has already kicked off the Luck Sweepstakes, with three winless teams all vying to take Luck to the Science Bowl Prom, or whatever the hell it is Stanford kids have.

The Colts look like the odds-on favorite to land Luck. Their terrible play afforded the Saints a tie for the most points scored since the AFL and NFL merged in 1970. But of course, there is the Peyton problem. Manning is a star quarterback, and it’s hard to kiss so many years of loyal and outstanding play goodbye in favor of a youth movement. But after watching the Colts struggle to move the ball, the Indy front office must be thinking that they have no choice but to make the upgrade. Peyton’s going to be 36 next season, having missed most, if not all, of 2011. He’s spent the last few preseasons with some health trouble, so he’s certainly not a safe bet for 2012.

The Dolphins are the next big player. Stuck in one of the worst stadiums in the league, Miami seems to only be a draw when the Super Bowl comes to town. Getting Luck would be a huge boon for a fan-base that’s had to see sloppy patchwork at the QB position the last two years. 2008 seems like a long time ago, huh?

The Rams could also land the number-one pick, but with Sam Bradford under contract, they would likely trade that pick to the highest bidder. Miami or Indy could even get in, considering they’d likely have the next two picks. Luck would bring in more than Bradford would, especially because of Bradford’s pre-2011 CBA contract.

There’s still some hope for Arizona (1-5), stuck with the horrible stench of failure that is the Kevin Kobb trade. Minnesota also has a solitary win, but they’ve got Chris Ponder as well. You can throw Jacksonville in with the Vikes in the “pretty awful but still have a young QB” group; they’ve got Blaine Gabbert alongside their single victory.

Giddyup, Colts. You feeling lucky?

Marla on Movies: Moneyball, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love OBP

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 23:01:00 -0700

‘I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes’

Moneyball is an excellent film. You don’t need me to tell you that. If you do, then I pity you. This movie has near-universal acclaim; 91% of audiences like it, according to Rotten Tomatoes, and 97% of top critics as well.

I’ve read Moneyball, which is just as great as the film, but I left my copy in Los Angeles, so my references to the book might be a tad off. The movie captures the essence of the book, but with many key differences that I found slightly disappointing. (Spoilers from here)

The biggest departure from reality is how Billy Beane discovers sabermetrics. In reality, he learned it while apprenticing for former Oakland and current Mets GM Sandy Alderson. In the movie, he gets it from Peter Brand, whom I shall refer to from hear on out as NotDepo.

The second biggest thing is that the statistical revolution hyped throughout the advertising is boiled down to On-Base Percentage, or OBP. The book gives equal attention to slugging percentage. The two are even seen as equally valuable; a point in OPB is essentially the same as a point in SLUG%.

No mention is made of the Athletics’ 2002 draft, which the book covered in detail.

You could make a game of finding Barry Zito, Mark Mulder, and Tim Hudson in the movie, despite their importance to the 2002 A’s.

We hear Chad Bradford is a good pitcher, but we don’t receive much of a reason beyond NotDepo’s computer telling us so. The movie does not discuss the Defense Independent Pitching Statistics, or DIPS, that play a heavy part in Moneyball, especially in Bradford’s narrative.

David Justice’s role is enhanced for the film; he’s the prototypical team veteran, expected to show the youngins how to play. If Justice is mentioned in the book, it’s only because he was an experiment in analyzing how long on-base skills can remain with a player.

The man behind Sabermetrics is only mentioned in passing. Bill James is the unseen figure behind Billy’s revolution; one scout openly displays his contempt for James in an argument with Beane. The most we get to know of him is during one of the film’s fantastic cacophonies. Every so often, we get hit with a barrage of sports figures analyzing what Beane and co. are doing in Oakland. One man ridicules James’ process, even alluding to his job as a night watchman at a pork and beans factory.

Other parts of the movie do get things right.

Beane ignored Scott Hatteberg’s questionable defense in favor of his OBP prowess. However, Beane has as of late been analyzing defensive abilities in players, especially now that the sabermetric way of thinking has spread across the board. Hatteberg’s nickname from Ron Washington even finds its way into the movie: Pickin’ Machine.

Bradford’s religious nature is referenced, Beane’s refusal to watch the actual games plays a prominent role, and Jeremy Brown’s famous home run trot gets into the movie’s end. Beane’s ability to fleece unsuspecting GMs for players he wants is incorporated into the movie as well.

Brown didn’t pan out the way Beane had hoped; in fact, none of the players from the 2002 draft lived up, or down in some cases, to his expectations. Nick Swisher has been a solid role player, but not the kind of guy you’d take in the first round. Joe Blanton has been middling at best. Prince Fielder, the man Beane thought was too fat for Oakland, will both play in the NLCS this year and get a fat contract in the offseason.

The movie concludes with a quiet, yet moving scene in Fenway Park, as John W. Henry talks with Billy about becoming Boston’s new GM. This scene is especially poignant as rumors swirl of Beane taking a new job elsewhere this offseason, thanks to openings in Chicago and Anaheim.

Inaccuracies aside, Moneyball is a great movie with several fantastic moments.

My favorite scene would have to be at the beginning of the film, when Billy goes postal on a radio just as Steve Lyons starts talking.

Al Davis: We Hardly Knew Ye

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 10:57:04 -0700

Rock You Like a Hurricane: The Downfall of the U

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:51:00 -0700

Miami is in trouble.

No, not that Miami. The University of Miami. The University that has produced outstanding players such as Warren Sapp, Vinny Testaverde, and Michael Irvin can only sit on its hands as the NCAA investigates the allegations in Yahoo! Sports’ detailed exposé.

Nevin Shapiro, in jail for participating in a near-billion dollar ponzi scheme, told Yahoo! that he had provided students with illicit benefits such as cash, prostitutes, and jewelry.

Talk is spreading that Miami could see the dreaded “death penalty,” the voiding of an entire season of football. I doubt the death penalty will be in play here; football just brings in too much money to be completely removed. Times have changed since SMU went down.

Like how Craig James is an even bigger jackass.

The U will see the second harshest penalty though. I’m talking at least a three-year bowl ban, loss of 50 scholarships, twenty-year probabtion, the whole shebang.

Just another crappy entry into the crappy year Miami has had.

AAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP!!!

Late Night Musings: Captain America Knows the Dodgers

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 23:57:00 -0700

I did not have the pleasure of watching the Dodgers fall to the Phillies tonight. I was too busy watching “Captain America: The First Avenger” for the second time. Why? Because it’s a fantastic movie with fantastic pec-er, I mean, people. Yeah, people is what I mean.

Even the guy with the goggles under his chin is impressed.

But of course, as one who bleeds Dodger blue can attest, the film’s most memorable moment comes at the end, when (SPOILERS, IGNORANT JACKANAPES) Cap is lying in his bed, listening to what I assume is Red Barber detailing a tie ballgame between the Bums and Philadelphia at Ebbets. Cap is no slouch when it comes to detail; he immediately recognizes the game as one he attended in May of 1941 (May 25th, to be precise), a couple of years before he dons his star spangled fatigues.

The specifics of the game, you ask, uninformed reader? The tie game is 4-4 apiece in the sixth, with the bases loaded in favor of Brooklyn. Pete Reiser comes to the plate and hits a whopper to the wall, scoring every runner. The broadcaster can be distinctly heard saying that “Durocher” waves Reiser in from third (Leo Durocher managed Dodgers that season) for an inside-the-park grand slam.

With the modern miracle that is Baseball Reference, this game is not hard to find. You just go to to “Boxes,” select the 1941 season, choose the Brooklyn Dodgers, and run through their games in May before finding the one game against Philly in Flatbush with a final score to fit the bill.

I commend Marvel for their dedication to accuracy; it must have taken a lot of time for the writers to determine just how Cap would know he was not in the same Brooklyn anymore. As far as the story goes, I can think of a few reasons why SHIELD would select this particular game. They likely had months of old radio tape to maintain the charade; this game just happened to be the one he heard when coming to.

All in all, it’s just nice to hear the Dodgers win one.

Family-Friendly Baseball Team Hosts Rap Concert After Game

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 10:28:00 -0700

The Anaheim Angels of Yorba Linda invited Chris “Ludacris” Bridges to perform for the whitest fans in the baseball world on Saturday. And no, it was not a reading of his part from “Crash.”

Bring the kiddies, bring the wife…

Maybe the Angels brass thought he was that genial fellow from “No Strings Attached.” That seems like genuine family fare.

(cries)

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:12:10 -0700

(cries)

Top Ten Late Additions to the NFL CBA

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 21:42:07 -0700

DeMaurice Smith sees you. DEMAURICE SMITH SEES ALL!!!

The new NFL collective bargaining agreement should be agreed upon as early as tomorrow, meaning football is back! But that has me thinking: if this thing is being put together so quickly, does that mean the league and the Players’ Union will slip in some last-minute clauses without the other side knowing? So without further ado, I give you the top ten late additions.

10. Tom Brady must receive a haircut.

9. The do-not-resuscitate clause is mandatory for all owners whose last name begins with “D” and ends with “avis.”

8. The light shining from Peyton Manning’s forehead is not considered a hindrance on the field.

7. No player is allowed to date a Kardashian.

6. The person pictured below is not allowed within any NFL stadium under any circumstances. Use force if necessary.

5. Any team that signs Terrell Owens is automatically assessed a 15-yard penalty for stupidity.

4. The Dallas Cowboys are to be moved to the Canadian Football League.

3. As part of a new reality show, Larry David will become the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.

2. Every time Andy Reid throws the challenge flag, he must perform the “Truffle Shuffle” dance.

1. The Jacksonville Jaguars must relocate to Los Angeles.

Raiders Follow Palin Platform, Abstain from Vote

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 22:27:52 -0700

JaMarcus Russell? What could go wrong? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders chose not to vote in the owners’ new CBA agreement, effectively making the result unanimous. What could have been the underlying issue? ESPN says this:

On abstaining from the owners’ vote, Raiders CEO Amy Trask told NFL.com: “We had profound philosophical differences of a football and an economic nature,” adding, “we voted the way we thought was appropriate.”

As in, we didn’t vote at all. The American Way. Of course, Al Davis typically disagrees with anything that doesn’t screw over the city the Raiders currently reside in. The CEO says it was “of a football and an economic nature.” I can understand the economics, but the football? What, he really hates those newfangled replay booths? Moving the kickoff up to the 35?

Just wince, baby.

MLASC Takes Manhattan

Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:21:00 -0700

Good luck finding one that works.

New York is one crazy town. I visited four of the five burrows (up yours, Staten Island), countless restaurants, and even a few sporting events.

I arrived on Wednesday, June 29. Fairly uneventful, just getting settled into my hotel in Queens. I spent a lot of time with relatives.

Thursday, I attended the Yankees/Brewers matchup. Aside from CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, and Robinson Cano, there were no real stars in the lineup for this afternoon affair. No A-Rod, no Jeter, no Mariano, no Granderson, no Martin.

I hate that guy.

CC pitched a gem; Randy Wolf pitched a bit of a clunker. Sad to see him falter a bit in the Bronx humidity. The new stadium is a treat though; every part is accessible from any entrance, unlike at Dodger Stadium. After the game, I ate dinner at Micky Mantle’s restaurant, just to see what it was like. It’s reasonably priced, considering it’s in the heart of Manhattan and Mick died because his liver imploded on itself.

Friday was the South Sea Streetport. It’s essentially a big mall. Not the world’s most exciting place. I walked through Times Square, mainly just to walk through it. I only popped into the M&Ms store to see what goodies they had. I literally could not find a regular bag of M&Ms, the kind you get at a 7-11. Weird. I was then off to Rockefeller Center, where I visited the NBC Experience Store to urinate on all the Jay Leno merchandise.

I hate that guy.

I bought a “Buy More” lanyard. Of course, five seconds later I had the buyer’s remorse when I spotted a “Nerd Herd” lanyard. I suck.

Saturday came after Friday, a pleasant shock. I decided to celebrate such a fortuitous occasion by shopping at Macy’s. Okay, just walking around and observing the $75 shirts. It’s a big store, full of many wonders that dazzle the eye.

It’s a fucking McDonald’s! In Macy’s!

I walked the high line, an old Amtrak rail converted into a walking park. Then I visited Greenwich Village so I could shout at hipsters playing hacky sack. Damn them.

Sunday was a day in with family to watch the Wimbledon final and some baseball.

Monday was nuts. I decided to trek into Brooklyn for Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Coney Island was packed, and the heat was nearly unbearable. I swore I had the bladder of an octogenarian, I kept going to the bathroom since I kept drinking to stay hydrated. I knew someone in the contest (he/she shall remain nameless) and I wanted to cheer him/her on. Nick Cannon was there for some reason; I have now seen Nick Cannon twice this year, the first time with the NBA Jam Session during All Star Weekend at the Convention Center. George Shea, the announcer, is 45% of the competition. His over-the-top dramatics and metaphors made the waiting bearable.

I love that guy.

After the contest concluded, I met my friend and congratulated him/her on a job well done. I grabbed a chili dog and fries from the Nathan’s Famous stand and headed for the Cyclone. The damn roller coaster is so bumpy I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. I spent $20 on credit thinking I would go on a bunch of rides, but after the Cyclone I felt so sick that I just played some dinky carnival games.

I departed Brooklyn for the Hudson Highway, where you could sit and watch the fireworks from six barges in the Hudson River. It was a spectacular show, one that could probably only be rivaled by Washington, D.C. I had dinner at Katz’s Deli, the same deli where Meg Ryan famously faked an orgasm.

I’ll have what she’s having!

Tuesday, I visited City Hall and the surrounding area, including the courthouse from my beloved Law & Order. I had lunch in Chinatown, then visited a few other surrounding areas.

Sam Waterson still lives outside the courthouse, offering legal advice for change.

Wednesday was at the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. A walk up the crown was booked all the way into October, so I just meandered around Liberty Island, thinking of Fringe.

Not pictured: zeppelins

Things I learned about New York while in New York:

People were obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. In Los Angeles, there’s really only a passing interest, but it fully gripped the Big Apple. I was generally apathetic to it all.
People love brown mustard. Micky Mantle’s and Katz’s both featured the brown, not the yellow. That disappointed me.
Traffic laws are mere suggestions. Pedestrians have no real regard for red lights and traffic. Cars won’t stop on a turn unless someone is directly in their path. Bicyclists risk their lives in order to save fifty some odd on gas.

Late Night Musings

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 19:24:28 -0700

It’s late for me, so shut up. Anyways, I’ve been thinking about the McCourt situation a bit. Much like what Sax said, every time I meet someone in New York and talk sports, the first thing they ask me is, “What’s going on with the Dodgers?” I just sort of shake my head knowingly, grinning and saying, “Yeah, I know, it’s getting crazy.”

This is what has become of me. Instead of talking smack about the Dodgers/Mets, I discuss how the insane owner is driving the team into the ground.

Frank is slowly destroying the team, and he just doesn’t seem to get how much damage he’s doing. Everything and anything he says and does just makes everything worse.

He keeps saying he’s acting in the best interest of the team, which of course is bullshit. You just have to look at his little shell-game ploy; the Dodgers are split into more shell companies than I have fingers on one hand. Even if baseball can somehow wrest the Dodgers from Frank’s clutches, he will try to retain those entities, including revenue from parking and turnstiles. If he really cared about the team, would he try to destroy every possible in-house source of revenue for a new owner? Does that sound like a guy who actually wants the Dodgers to succeed.

Everybody, not just Dodger fans, thinks that Frank needs to just give up. He’s setting a terrible precedent for future owners in any sports league who think they can own a prestigious team to make a few bucks. They know this in LA; they know this in New York. This needs to end now, before things become even more embarrassing for the people who really do care about the Dodgers.

I forgot I had tumblr

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 18:36:30 -0700

I don’t even know what to do with it.

THIS. IS. AWESOME.

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 20:41:31 -0700

THIS. IS. AWESOME.

The One Where Shaq Retires

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 21:37:00 -0700

Shaq’s history with Los Angeles will be interesting, to say the least. It appears most of the bad blood that accumulated after the trade in ‘04 has disappeared. Even the Lakers came out and said the Big Aristotle will see #34 hang from Staples’ rafters. I’ll remember the constant bickering on talk radio about whether or not O’Neal gets his number up there, especially after he signed with the rival Celtics.

But in the end, the greatness of the three-peat prevailed. I know I’ll remember those decisive alley-oops and dunks over the flurry of trades and the bizarre media acts (remember him conducting the Boston Pops?). It’s a shame that most people think of a journeyman who tried to ride the waves of superstars to achieve one last shot at greatness rather than the man who led his own team to three straight championships.

So hats off to you, Shaq. You will enter not only the Hall of Fame as a Laker, but also the hearts and minds of the Laker faithful.

I’m fire, baby.

Sun, 29 May 2011 21:44:00 -0700

I’m fire, baby.

Late Night Musings

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:19:49 -0700

Mike Brown is the Lakers’ new head coach? Ugh.

I’m sure Brown is a nice guy, but really? This is the best man for the job? There’s a reason why he couldn’t get a coaching position after the Cavs canned him last year.

I suppose he can manage egos, albeit with some limits. Remember LeBron’s little spat after Cleveland was booted by the Magic?

I hope there’s more to Brown than what the fans have seen. Insiders say it’s a good fit. I’m not sold, nor will I be until the roster is set for the new season.

You’re with me, lockout.

W. T. F.

Wed, 25 May 2011 16:41:23 -0700

W. T. F.

Late Night Musings

Sat, 21 May 2011 22:41:49 -0700

I did not ascend into heaven. I really thought all that clean living would have punched me a ticket on the blue line to the afterlife, but alas, it was not to be. Not that I’m complaining. At least I can see Justin Timberlake on SNL. They usually have good stuff for him, though it wouldn’t kill them to use the same amount of energy spent on JT on other hosts. Seriously, Ed Helms got jack squat last week.